A stunningly incomplete city-by-city list of alternatives to seeing SUCKER PUNCH for irony.

I’m all for irony- I use it often. But there are an inordinate amount of people chatting on Facebook and Twitter, at least in my universe, about going to see SUCKER PUNCH this weekend “to see just how bad it really is.”

I’m sorry, but that’s stupid.

A lot of people spend an awful lot of time bemoaning the state of indie film- and perhaps rightfully so to some degree, but not entirely, as there IS something you can do about it- vote with your dollars.

So if you and your friends were even entertaining the idea of seeing SUCKER PUNCH, or BATTLE: LOS ANGELES, or any of the studio dreck this weekend, we thought we’d take a minute and prepare an admittedly incomplete, but hopefully helpful, city-by-city list of alternate uses for your two hours and $10 if you feel like going to the movies this weekend.

Seriously, no excuses.

NEW YORK:
Bill Cunningham: NY broke the house record at Film Forum last week. Get tickets early and find out why at the FILM FORUM site.

My Perestroika and Nostaligia For The Light: The first a wonderful look at the lives of a group of Russians who were young, but aware, when the Soviet Union collapsed, the second a gorgeous meditation on the secrets of a remote providence in Chile, known for its stunning views of the stars, but holding much, much more. Both at IFC Center.

Irreversible: I never want to see this again, but if you tripped out on ENTER THE VOID, Noe’s earlier provocation in theaters is… an experience. At Landmark Sunshine on midnight Fri and Sat.

New Directors New Films is going on as we speak, and some of these fantastic films won’t be back in theaters for a while- and some ever. Here’s a few we suggest, tickets for all and a master schedule at the NDNF site.

Cairo 6,7,8- a particularly timely look (both given Eygpt’s state as well as SUCKER PUNCH’s empowerment through tiny underwear message) at three women in Cario, coverging to combat the harassment of women in their daily lives. Sat at 330pm

Pariah – Dee Rees’ insanely strong feature about a Alike, 17 year old Brooklyn lesbian looking for her first girlfriend, but fighting her middle-class family and the prejudices inherent in the African American community. Caught this at Sundance, as did Focus Features which paid a ton of money for it. Seriously, don’t miss it. Sat at 8pm

The Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975- it’s rare for a documentary to make me angry these days, but this one did the trick. Fantastic footage from Swedish journalists who were allowed to film inside the Black Panther movement which was found in a basement is cut together magnificently and dramatically to teach us all a lesson about exactly what America doesn’t want people to know it often winds up being. Sat at 9pm

Incendies- this film should have won for best Foreign film at the Oscars. Sun at 8:30pm

LOS ANGELES:
Quentin Tarantino has been personally programming the New Beverly Cinema all month long, and if you’re in the mood for action, there’s so much good stuff here that if visions of Sucker Punch so much as cross your eyeballs once, you deserve to be punched. THUNDER ROAD. FIVE MINUTES TO LIVE (starring Johnny Cash!). THE AVENGING EAGLE and DUEL OF THE IRON FIST double feature! THE FIGHTING FIST OF SHANGHAI JOE! And, of course, KILL BILL: THE WHOLE BLOODY AFFAIR, never seen in the US, though you’ll have to try for standby on that one. All at the New Bev.

Star Trek 1-6- All this weekend, the Egyptian is showing new prints of the original Star Trek series, with filmmakers and cast (including the always hilarious George Takei) in attendance. Tickets at the Egyptian's site.

John Cassavetes Retrospective- Cinefamily is finishing up a month-long tribute to this master director with several films. You don’t want to miss any of them on a nice screen. You should check out all of the programming there at the Cinefamily website, because they are heroes of cinema and deserve your respect.

Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives- probably the polar opposite of Sucker Punch, but that’s a good thing in this case. Showing at Laemmle’s Sunset 5.

ATLANTA:
A great theater you’ve never been too is showing Sylvain Chomet’s charming THE ILLUSIONIST. And tickets are only $5. http://cinefestfilmtheatre.com/

AUSTIN:
Korean revenge insanity film (which I love is now nearly a genre in its own) I SAW THE DEVIL is rocking the Alamo Ritz. Probably best to NOT eat dinner in the theater this time, though.

BOSTON:
The Brattle has that new print of ORLANDO that’s been going around, and you’ll want in on that. http://www.brattlefilm.org

CHICAGO:
COLD WEATHER is a brilliant film, and a big step forward for director Aaron Katz. If you’ve written it off as “mumblecore bullshit”, (or, if you’ve just written off mumblecore as “bullshit”), you’re wrong on both counts. At the Music Box (as is Big Lebowski at midnight, if you want something more traditional and/or you’re too high to think much).

DC:
BILL CUNNINGHAM NY is at the E-Street. Get in early, is my guess…

DENVER:
I’m not sure how to say this, so I’ll just say it. There’s a film I was previously unaware of called ABBA: The Movie, which, indeed, stars ABBA, was directed by Lasse Hallström, and is playing tonight at the Denver FilmCenter/Colfax. I would suggest bringing some drugs.

DETROIT:
First of all, you should go to the Burton Theatre more often. These guys are awesome, the food there is amazing, and the programming is tip-top. Plus, it’s in an old elementary school auditorium right in the middle of Cass Corridor. This week, they’re showing MONOGAMY, which I’ve not seen, but whatever, Oscilloscope has great taste and risking that this is their first dud is a better option than everything else showing in town.

MILWAUKEE:
Full disclosure because it’s our film and we’re a bit biased, but if you want ass-kicking, go see IP MAN 2: LEGEND OF THE GRANDMASTER at the Times Cinema!

MINNEAPOLIS-ST PAUL:
We’re also biased here- but if you want to see a REAL woman beating the shit out of guys, without the creepy pedophile messages, go see the Vietnamese action smash CLASH at the St. Anthony Main Theater. Don’t want ass-kicking? COLD WEATHER’s playing too.

PITTSBURGH:
Go check out Gregg Akari’s hallucinogenic KABOOM at the Harris Theater.

PHILLY:
Slim pickings in town, but thankfully it’s UNCLE BOONMEE time over at the Cinema 16:9.

PORTLAND:
Hometown director Matt McCormick’s wonderfully delicate SOME DAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS finally gets a theatrical run, starting in Portland. Q&As with stars (Carrie Brownstein, Sleater-Kinney and Portlandia), and James Reeves (The Shins) sweeten the pot. At the Hollywood Theatre, which we’ll point out is under excellent new management and will now happily serve you beers. Schedule at: http://www.hollywoodtheatre.org/

SEATTLE:
Ambient Intimacy looks to be a very interesting multi-media look into the ways that intimate moments get out into public, thanks to the internet. There appears to also be live Chatroulette involved, so one could expect to see lots of cocks, we’d imagine. At Northwest Film Forum.

SAN FRANCISCO:
William S Burroughs: The Man Within is playing at the Roxie, and if you enjoy hallucinogenic visions, you may as well find out about the master. Tickets at http://www.roxie.com

And yes, there are more cities, and more choices in each one. But I’m going home now, so feel free to add more goodies in the comments. Point is- don’t waste your money encouraging the propagation of garbage. Vote with your dollars.